13 Sept 2018

Fabulous, juicy, peachy, bubble butt and all kind of stupid bullshit

13 September 0



When I was a child I didn't like P.E. classes. No, this word is not strong enough. I hated them classes. It has always been a torture for me. I could think about all kind of excuses just to not attend the phisical education. Surprise, as now, when I am 23 years old, I can't imagine my life without fitness and some kind of phisical activity. I will find all kind of excuses just to move my ass from the coach and do something. Ow, and I am also a fitness instructor, jumping trainer and for almost 5 years I have been working in hotels in different coutries fighting to get a possibility to be responsible for the fitness or sport activities for tourists. Isn't life ironic?

Now I have realized what's been a problem back then. And what seems to be a problem now, after all these year. Poeple and nasty bitches. Let's call here the names, let's not hide the truth. I am not news in TV or on the radio, am I? So I am about to tell you what, in my opinion, is the biggest problem for moving you ass and doing something with your life. And I will focus on a fitness, shape etc. part of the topic.

Imagine you're going to the gym. You can already feel them endorphins go up, the adrenaline, this feeling in your body. You're finally doing something to change! To be better! No more looking in the mirror and hating what you see, no more sitting on the couch without a possibility to touch your toes, because your belly is too fat! No more baby ! You made it till the stairs, there's no going back now! You're in! You can do this!

Great, you changed into your new fitness clothes. They smell new, the feel amazing! Ow my! You're on the top of the world, beautiful. Here we go! You enter the room. There are few other people waiting for the instructor to start the class. The atmosphere is pretty awesome. You feel good between all of them people, because they all have the same target as you. And everyone starts somewhere, and you start here. And you know you can do this, because all them people can, and they are here and they will support you or kick your ass when needed. All good!

The instructor puts on the music, smiles and starts the introduction to the class. Wow, she is so nice and she is not judging anyone ! You feel it! Your mind is changing so will your body! Let's do this!

Wait....

The door opens...

Quick check out of the "late" one. She is wearing them tight shorts showing off all her good parts. Nice ass, garage instead of her hips. Nice nice, she was once a beginner too, everything is possible and she can be your motivation. Wait..she enters the room and walks slowly towards the instructor. Slowly, hip side to side. "Watch me I'm fabulous!" says her way of being, because how else to call it. She stands just in front of the instructor. Great, you can follow her moves.

But you slowly start feeling a bit down. Your mood somehow got darker. But it's ok. It will go away, right?

But then you're realizing that the Fab Babe is turning around from time to time to check out what's happening behind her. You can see her glaring at other people, from the feet up and from up to the feet. Ow! There there! You notice that! That bitch is judging every fucking one in this room!. Like who the fuck invited you here!? You realized that you're not the only one who feels a bit overwhelmed by that Fab Babe. Something is changing, and it's not gonna be good.

The class is coming to an end and you feel good. Good, but not amazing. Not the way you felt when you're entering the gym, walking up the stairs, getting ready and putting this amazing outfit on. No, it's just ok. Should you give up?

No! Fuck sake, never! And here comes the problem, do you understand me?! And it's been following you since early school years. There's always this Fab Babe, this judging bitch, the monster, who thinks she is better, she can do more and heavier! Jeez, bitch, calm your tits down and park your airplane somewhere else! We are all here to enjoy our time and change something with ourselves and you ain't gonna stop it by being bitchy!

Ok, fine. You look great We all can see that. But just because you're a bit further with your jurney doesn't mean you have to put others down and push them down the pillar, is it. Honestly, you've beens tarting once too and you're where you are because you had people who were pulling you or pushing you to move forward, right? So open your eyes and wash this bitchiness off your face, because putting other's down or judging them from your point of view won't make you a better person, won't give you any bigger hips or others smaller. Got it?!

It's been like this since the primary school, remember?
Fat or bigger kid never wanted to change in front of the others. The slower runner didn't want to run with other kids. The girls with the bigger/smaller boobs didn't want other girls nor boys to see her in a P.E. uniform and this boy with weirdly long legs never came for the calss. Did anything change?

Yes, our age. But everything else stayed the same.

And why? Because of you judging bitches who can not mind their own business and hold their own butts. Again, next time you want to judge-look at someone close your eyes and recall how you used to look like and what it was like when you were at the beginning of your journey.

Thank you.
Goodnight.
Fuck off.

18 Aug 2018

VHS movies, flirting on MSN, Getting a video from the rental shop, Internet Explorer fun and all the fun before we became adults.

18 August 0
So yea, I am 23 years old. When did that happen? 

And now what ? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act? What are your 20's all about? What are the taxes? How not to lose your shit on everyday basis? How to sign for a doctor appointment and how to cook and egg in the kettle?
Don't you think that being in your 20's is a terribly confusing time? Because, honestly, what are that age norms, expectations? What the 20 should and shouldn't do or be?

Like honestly, I've got friends who own houses, friends renting and friends who still live with their parents and don't do shit with their lives. I've got friends working 3 jobs to maintain a live on some desent level, friends with their own businesses and friends who live from their parents' money and have never worked a day in their live. I've got friends who have graduated from different kind of unis from different parts of the whole world and friends who still have no idea what they are doing with their lives (hi, it's me here). I've got friends who have seen the world and friends who have never left their childhood city.

Some of them are parents, loads of them are engaged or married. Some are even divorced or close to getting a divorce. Yet there are still friends who have never been in a serious relationship or are trying to live their live by partying and trying all sort of new things.

Not a big deal, is it?

I've got friends who have taken their lives away, because of different sort of situations in their live. I've got friends who passed away, not by their choice, and many more have been involved in some kind of accidents. Yet, there are still friends who have never felt grief strangle in their heart.

Because the thing about your 20's it that there is no right or wrong, no better or worse and mostly, no-one is better that anyone else. We are not participating in any race. We all are trying to live our lives, to live the best we can and to reach the end of our path in a best, tho not the quickest, way. And that's ok. There's no need to judge anyone, because we all are doing the best we can. Even if it sucks sometimes, even if it's not easy sometimes...it will be worth it. It will all matter at the end,

I would like to thank Dani C, whose post I found on facebook
and it opened my eyes a bit and let me write this post.
Partly in my own words, partly borrowed few. 

11 Jul 2018

Angelina Jolie lost 10kg; The new detoxing diet; This new foundation will make your face unrecognized!

11 July 0


Who cares?


Honestly, sometimes I don't know what to write anymore. If I tell you about magic of Tenerife, would you be interested? If I write about that time when I saw dolphins "talking" to whales, would you stay? If I don't inform you about the new drama in show business, would my entry attract you? What should one write about to get to the audience? Diets? Hair? Cosmetics? What if I don't want to? What if I don't feel it?

Have you realized how this world is changing? In which way we are going? Doesn't it all seem kind of fucked up to you?

We live in a world full of bullshit. Let's call the things by their names, ok? I've got the feeling that all the rules and values are day by day disappearing. We are getting closer to the day, when it will all be gone. 

If I go out with some colleagues for a beer you don't want to talk about what I believe in, what I've been through, where I went or where I broke my nose. You don't care what's important to me, what makes me happy, what breaks my heart in pieces. No. Why would you. You've got your own life, your own problems and shit going on, don't you? But why don't you mind talking about this new dress you saw in H&M last week? Why do you want to keep complaining about your boyfriend and how he never buys you flowers, even tho he took you to your favourite restaurant few days back. But who cares, no one cares about good things. Let's just show everyone that our life is worse than theirs.

If I tell you I got promoted, I am going for a long trip or that I am very happy, because my dog finally stopped peeing on the floor, you will turn your head away or make a stupid excuss to leave, because I am happy and you don't want to hear about it. Happiness is boring, isn't it?

But if I start talking about this new episode of Warsaw Shore, you'll somehow have so many things to say on this topic. And have you seen this new lifeguard? Isn't he a hottie? And Jessica from high school got fat, you know that already. Mathiew got divorced, I am sure he deserved that. Ow ow ow wait! There's also this other thing! Angelina Jolie lost 10kg! She must be starving herself!

And if I tell you I don't give a single shit about stuff like that, we suddenly have got nothing in common. Because you don't want to talk about personal stuff. About my life, your life. Things that actually matter. 


People are starting to close themselves in. Small talks are easy, because they don't show our true selves. But don't they really? If you can talk about the new colors of the nail polishes, that new hair treatment or Mathiew's divorce, but can not give your opinion about dogs being thrown out of the cars every single day, about your dreams and goals, about the future or about things that make you happy, what kind of person does it make you? 

People don't talk anymore. They do not communicate in a right way. Because sending few messages on facebook in a week is not a right way, ok? Sending me a snapchat from your breakfast is not ok. It is not how it supposed to be, where it supposed to go! It's just not right! 

Call, meet for a coffee, go for a walk. But talk. And talk about things that matter. Things that are important. There is so many people right now afraid of saying what they thing to be judged. And everyone does. We judge people for simple things and then we are surprised they are afraid to tell us their secrets. Even if it's about their favourite cake or dog's name. We don't share any personal info, because everything could be used against us, wouldn't it?! 

And is it supposed to be this way!? Should people be afraid to speak!? Should people hide in their insides, keep their deepest thoughts?! Are YOU afraid to speak?

I say no! And I want you to think about it this way.

If you keep throwing things to the fire, it will never stop burning. The same is with us, human beings. If we will be keeping all things to ourselves, if we won't have a chance to put some things away, to clear our mind, to talk, we will keep throwing things to our fire and then, one day, we will explode or everything will burn. And we can't let that happen. 


So don't be afraid. If you feel sad, say it. Say what is bothering you. If you're happy, share with the world. Share your happiness and let other be happy with you. If you want to cry, cry as much and as long as you want. There will be someone next to you who will hold your hand, because we are not made of rock. We are breaking sometimes and it's ok. If you wanna jump, jump as high as possible. If you jump, you live. And the Earth is a beautiful place to do so, we just have to understand that and fight our fears, open ourselves to impossible. Smile a bit more, laugh a bit harder and hug a bit more often :)


10 Jul 2018

Have you ever found a half naked guy on your balcony?

10 July 0


03/10/2014

"We started October with a Boom! On the 1st day of this month we have been woken up by some noise on the balcony. I stood up, I pulled away the curtains and there he was....a half-naked guy! WTF!? I am running to the other side to close the balcony, but the door were broken! I go to wake up R. What the fuck is going on!?

After few moment of putting ourselves together, R decided to go outside onto the balcony to ask him what he was doing there and how he ended up in our apartment at 6 in the morning! He knew shit! He was still recovering from the night before.  His trousers where ripped and his phone broken. (What You need to know is that out balcony is located kind of high and it's barely possible to get on it. But he managed. Doesn't matter.)

We found his room card in his pockets and, as mature and responsible adults, we decided to walk him back to his hotel, because...why not. We left him there and came back to out apartment to get ready to work. Funny story. In Poland I would probably scream, call the police, go crazy. And here?! What else can happen on this island?

One day you find a cat under your bed, and the other there is a stranger on your balcony. Why not. YOLO."


9 Jul 2018

Buy that Tequila, take your shoes off and go for a walk on a beach. You might end up swimming with dolphins.

09 July 0


10/09/2014

"Today was better. I decided to be happy. No one cares if something is bothering you. Fuck this. I prefer to chose happiness and smile over this whole negativity which is already poisoning the world. I am throwing all the sadness away from my head. It's time to start enjoying my life. It's time to be happy.

1. If you don't chase after what you want - you will never get it;
2. If you don't ask - the answer will always be "no";
3. If you don't make a step forward - you will always be in the same place;

I am fighting for my dreams, for what I believe in. To make my life important. To wake up every morning with a smile on my face. What's in the past, is in the past and should stay there. It will never come back and it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. You have to move forward and keep your head high. With the effy smile on you face. (And the bottle of Tequila in your hand)."



28 Jun 2018

Everyone likes chocolate cake.

28 June 0
07/09/2014

"After work mixed feeling again. 
From full happiness my mood automatically jumped to full sadness. 
I don't know what is happening to me.
What is happening in my head.
As always.

I don't know what I want.
I wanted to cut myself off from all the people, relationships and all that bullshit,
but sometimes I would like someone to just hug me and put all my broken pieces together.

Sometimes it's hard for me. But I am handling it all. 
I have always been independent, I have always doing things my way.
And I have been doing them well.
I know I am strong, but sometimes even the strongest person would use a back massage."



27 Jun 2018

Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I don't.

27 June 0
11/09/2014

"Another dose of a positive energy. I can say this day was good. […]
Sometimes I miss something. I feel some kind of emptiness and I want to cry. 
For that reason or with no reason at all.
But when there is no time to think, this feeling goes away.
I wish I could shut my mind from time to time, but I can't."


26 Jun 2018

Normal People Scare Me

26 June 0
03/09/2014

"I was woken up by the nightmare. 2am.
Same story again.
The rape. It is waking me up too often
[…] I wasn't able to fall asleep again. 
I felt fear.
I think I am afraid of people.
They scare me"

Link

25 Jun 2018

I found my diary, so now you will hear my story

25 June 6


Link
Hello everyone. As you can see in the title I found my diary. My notes from few years back. I decided to post some of them. To share some of my thoughts with you, my fears, my hopes, my dreams. I won't change a thing. Even if some words scare me, even if some of them might come from my heart, my soul. I've got nothing to hide and I've got my world to share. Maybe you're dealing with some problems at the moment, maybe you're struggling or maybe you're on the top of the mountain called "life". Who knows. I don's. But no matter where you are right now, how you feel I hope I can help you. Or maybe you can help me or someone else. Who knows. We will see.

Reading this remember that time passed already. I might not be the same person now. I might not be dealing with same problems. But I've been there, I felt that and I want you to know that maybe at some point we were feeling the same thing, we were struggling with the same problems. I want you to know my story and after reading it I want you to create your own and never give up. No matter what.

Let's begin. 

02/09/2014

"They say it gets easier when you write. 
And I am thinking a lot. Much too much. 
About my life, my appearance, people…
I don't like people. That's my little problem. 
They drive me crazy. And I am trying to change it.

I am a mess right now.
I feel nothing.
No happiness, no sadness, no anger.
I am empty inside.
I think I am falling apart.
I need someone to put my pieces together."


15 Jun 2018

No one will die for you and no one should tell you how to live. Once upon a time on Cyprus part 2.

15 June 4
It's almost 4am and I can't shut my brain off. My eyes are not a problem here. I have been closing them milion times already, but nothing helps. My brain just doesn't want to sleep. In this case I decided to write a post, go back to my life on Cyprus. Already I am truly apologizing for all the mistakes I will make and I am sure there will be more than few.

So here I am. 18 years old (nearly 19) girl, who just quit from her university to start a completely new life, new adventures, new everything. How exciting, isn't it? 
What I remember from my first few days it's complete disorientation. I haven't had a clue what was going on. 
I think I had like 2 weeks of holidays before I started working, because they had to deal with all the papers and it's been taking like for eveer. I am not joking. But I had some time to get some color, get around the island, or at least the closest area and, well, some tan. Trust me, as a Polish person I've been pale like a snow. And you don't need that kind of negativity when moving to Cyprus.

Ow there is also one more thing I remember. I got to Paphos, the town that in a short time would become my home for next 9 months, and I have been looking for my apartment called Anthousa (I had a small paper with and adres, nothings else). After hours of walking (as it seemed for me back then) in 40 degrees heat, I stood next to some apartments completely exhausted almost giving up on finding mine and preparing myself to sleep on the street surrounded by milion cats and decided to....listen listen….ask for help. Daaamn ! Yes, me, Natalia the woman who never asks, made her mind and went to few woman standing in front of the gate and asked "I am sorry but is it possible that you might know how could I get to Anthousa?". They looked at me in kind of weird way let's say, turned around and showed me the building just behind them saying "emmmm...that's here". OK guys! Not my fault that all the buildings looked the same and probably I have passed that one 20 times, but. I found it. That's the point. Ok ? And that's how my first day looked like. Exhausting. But wait wait wait. I am not done here. I got to my amazing room with huge terrace, 2 beds, kitchen, bathroom and all beautifully prepared and...I took a shower, changed and went for even longer walk to discover what was around me. And trust me, it was amazing, beautiful, breath-taking. I was starting to fall in love with the island and I kept falling in love with it every single day.

I started my work as an entertainer, my first boss was a total bitch who didn't like to work nor cared about people, but my team was pretty awesome and we were sticking together with almost everything (not if it's about kids club and staying there with kids, because trust me, I didn't want to be seen over there. Nah. One kid and Natalia was gone. No excuses. I've got nothing to say in my defence. I just wasn't happy there). But all the rest? We were THE team. We were great. Lucky for as that at the end of the season we got sent a new boss, who was like an Angel comparing to the first one. Thank you for that.

And I have to tell you all them 9 months on the island were amazing. (it's like being pregnant with Cyprus haha). All the people I have met, all the parties I attended, all the mistakes I made and all the decisions I took were worth everything. Yes, all the mistakes. And I know I made loads of them on my first season of entertainment. Come on ! I was 18/19 years old girl starting her life all over again! I have been allowed to make mistakes and stupid things! Hey! Bad decisions make good stories! And trust me if I say so. I know more than you think about it.


Stealing a stool from the bar street? Coming back home at 8am and starting job at 9am? Finding a drunk English guy on my balcony and the next day a cat in my bed? Adopting a sick Reggae dog for couple of days and seeing him and the most ugly beautiful thing? Experiencing new things for the first time and being there for your best of the best friends when she did too? Meeting my sister from another mister and adopting her? Swimming in the see at 4 in the morning and coming back on the bikes with your bras hanging from and drying on the air when greeting a stranger who decided to go for a jogging at that time? Screaming at your Romanian neighbour, because she was just so stupid? Stealing WiFi from other neighbours, because why not? Hiding in the office, because you just couldn't handle some guests in the hotel and you were just over everything? Getting this first tattoo done and then doing aquagym in the 45 degrees heat? Doing table tennis activity completely hangover and then almost passing out on aquagym, because you just drunk too much the night before? Ow and celebrating your fake birthday with 23 shots of tequila? 

Been there done that! (And that's just a bottom of the mountain we have built.)

And yes, I do regret few things I've done on the island and I should be sorry for doing the others...but I am so not! I wouldn't change it for anything, because those are the things you could, but shouldn't tell your grandchildren. But they will stay with me forever and they made me who I am now and no, if I could go back and change something I wouldn't. Why should I? Something made me do what I have done back then and that's alright. I am happy. I was happy back then, on the magical island, in the magical town called Paphos. And I would love to go back there one day and see how it would look for me right now. After years of experience, after getting older, after living a bit more.

And that is what I want you to learn from that story.

LIVE YOUR LIFE. 
No matter what. No matter what other people might or might not think or do. It's your life and no one will die for you so no one should ever tell you how to live it! 

10 Jun 2018

Once upon a time on Cyprus

10 June 1

Hello there! So I decided it’s the right time to continue with my story.
going back to my time on Cyprus, when it has all begun
I was an innocent girl. Just graduated from high school,
all excited about going to uni! Yaay.
Never have had a boyfriend in my life,
got drunk once when 16 with my mom
and her mom on the balcony in Bulgaria.
Never took drugs, never run away from home.
Skipping school on every occasion possible,
but every time telling my parents about it or asking plans with my mom.
Why would I go to school if I could go for some shopping and coffee?
Couldn’t be bothered. I wasn’t stupid tho. I was doing quite well in school.
I wasn’t making any problems, except being an antisocial smartass.
But what’s wrong with that?

I remember it like it was yesterday.
I went to some kind of a party organized by my school
and I went to hide from all the people to the "sitting room" underground.I was drinking and I started chatting with one of my colleagues.
I remember the moment he asked me something about the university community
and joining some kind of circles and me saying
"I would like that if I wasn't going to Cyprus in 3 days".
He's eyes got big like a plate of your grandma when she's trying to feed you.
And that was it.


I booked my flight, packed the suitcase of 23kg and just left.
Left my Polish life, my "friends", family
and all this things I have been working on for a quite long time.
But I wasn't attached to anything, to anyone.
It was one of the easiest decisions I've ever made in my life.
Can you imagine?
Leaving everything and starting all over being so easy?
It can be when you've got nothing to lose, when you've got nothing to regret.
What could have gone wrong? Only everything haha.
But I was 18 and I couldn't give a smaller shit.

Especially that I lost one of my good friends back then.
No, she hasn't died nor moved out.
She turned her back on me.
Yes, I am talking about you.
When I told her I was going to Cyprus, when I told her about my plans
looking for some kind of support from her side, for "you'll do great Nat".
You know what I received?
She gave me one of this looks 
"I am better than you" and said "well...guess who will have a better education over here..."
And that was it. After that she stopped talking to me, like she's never known me.
Till today's day we talk. Or more like we remember about each other on our birthday.
Year by year one message. On her birthday from me and on my day from her. And that's what's left from our "friendship".
We had our moments tho, haven't we?


And you know what? Here is when my life truly begun.
When I became my true self.
And if I could go back in time I wouldn't change a single...well,
I wouldn't change that much.
It made me who I am now and I am kind of amazing person right now.
And I've earned so much more than just money.
And that's something you don't measure with the size of your wallet.
It is something you don't dream of but when it happens it becomes something
that should always be your birthday wish

TO START LIVING.
AND YOU DO.
AND YOU NEVER REGRET THAT.


2 Jun 2018

Are you afraid to try?

02 June 12

You are asking yourself what would happened if you tried.
I am asking you what if you didn't ?

I do not understand why so many people use to think that everything comes easy in life. You might think that it's enough to ask for the Moon to get the Moon. It's enough to fuck that reach guy to get that red car. And if I want to get higher in the hierarchy I just have to know some people, sleep with others and drag down the weak ones.

Isn't that true?

You tell me you want to see a sunrise walking on the seaside, but you tend to turn off an alarm when it wakes you up at 4 in the morning. You tell me you want to see the Eiffel Tower, but you don't try to save any money for a trip.

They want a drivers' licence, but they don't sign themselves for a course. They want to write a book, but they wait. They always wait. For a better moment; an inspiration; for a husband to go to work; kids to grow up. They wait for better times. And them times might never come by.

People are forgetting that to get something, which is valuable for them, sometimes they have to be prepare for some bigger sacrifices . Are they afraid to try?

Are you afraid to try?

I want you to understand one thing. I want you to understand that living your life is not an egoism That trying won't make you a loser. Can you do it?

You should know that egoism appears when you crave for other person to live according to your preferences, live for your vanity, for your gain, profit; to pleasure you. When you force someone to do things for you, which won't make them happy or won't have any positive resonance on their life.

Living your life is not an egoism.
The same as a red rose is not selfish because it wants to be a red rose, you won't be called selfish for living your life and being who you truly want to be.

Sit down for a moment, breath in and think.
Think and tell me how would you rather live? With a regret that you gave up on something, you didn't take a chance on in a moment that you could have succeeded or with a thought that you failed, but at least you have tried your best to reach the point?

If you wont't keep going, you’ll never know how far you could have gone and you’ll miss out on being the person you’d become through the effort itself.

! IF YOU WANT SOMETHING YOU BETTER MAKE SOME NOISE !

28 May 2018

Pozwól, że opowiem Ci moją historię.

No cześć.

Nie wiem, czy wiesz, ale nie jestem taka, jak Ty. Ani jak Twoja matka, brat, siostra, koleżanka. 
Nie wiem, czy zdajesz sobie sprawę, ze mówiąc "wszyscy Polacy są tacy sami" lub "a bo wszystkie kobiety to...",
"każdy facet powinien..." , że każdy jest popieprzony na swój własny sposób. Nikt nie jest normalny na tym świecie. 

Co to k w ogóle znaczy "być normalnym" ? 
Wstawać o 6 rano, jeść śniadanie, ubierać się, wychodzić do pracy, na która się będzie narzekać całe życie, wracać do domu, jeść kolacje, myć żeby, iść spać? Przepraszam, ale ja w tym normalności nie widzę. 

A może spać do południa, zwalić konia, zjeść obiad, wskoczyć na kanapę i do północy grać w PS4? Nie? Też nie? No to co to do cholery znaczy "być normalnym" i na czym ta pieprzona normalność polega, bo ja nic z tego nie rozumiem, a mam już tych lat trochę za sobą. Ale z normalnością chyba doświadczenia nie miałam.

Zaczynając moja historie muszę się przyznać do jednej rzeczy. Chyba przespałam ten dzień, w którym rozdawali normalność. Zamiast tego poszłam na rekrutacje po "wieczny głód" "ciągłe zagubienie" "nadmierne rozmyślanie" i "totalne popieprzenie". I jakoś tak nigdy w sumie nie żałowałam, bo na dobre mi to wyszło....w większości przypadków.

No dobrze, przejdźmy do konkretów.
Kim jestem? 
Jakież to złożone jest pytanie, nie sądzisz?
No bo można na to pytanie odpowiedzieć w dość prosty sposób. Jestem dziewczyna...no w sumie już kobieta. Jestem Polką. Brunetką, albo rudą (w zależności od światła i tego całego listonosza). Siostrą. Córką. Przyjaciółką. Wrogiem. Wariatką. Kretynką. Buntowniczką. Blah blah blah. Nazywaj mnie jak tylko sobie życzysz, mnie to i tak mało obejdzie. 

Ale jest też ta druga strona, ta inna historia, bardziej złożona. Jeżeli chcesz ją poznać, czytaj dalej. Jeżeli obchodzi Cię ona, jak mnie Twoja opinia na mój temat, zamknij tę stronę już teraz, bo tylko marnujesz swój czas. 

Nie chcę wracać za bardzo do początków, bo zbyt ciekawe to one nie są. Taka tam dziewczynka ze wsi pod Krakowem. No dobra dobra, Olkusz to nie taka wieś. Dość spore miasto z różnymi wariatami, których miałam przyjemność poznać w swoim dzieciństwie. Tak tak, taka ze mnie olkuska dziewczyna. Przynajmniej taka byłam gdzieś tak do 11 roku życia, bo potem moim rodzicom się znudziło i postanowili przenieść się pod Warszawę. A jako że byłam gówniarą, to raczej nie miałam za dużo do gadania, co? No bo kto pyta dzieciaka o zdanie w sprawach istotnych i istotniejszych? Zapytać można, ale posłuchać już gorzej. Co nie zmienia faktu, że było to nam wtedy wszystkim potrzebne. Zmiana otoczenia, nawyków i generalne rozpoczęcie nowego rozdziału w naszym życiu. Była to decyzja nie do uniknięcia i myśląc o tym uważam, że była to jedna z tych rzeczy, która otwiera nowe drzwi i kieruje na jeszcze lepszą drogą.

No i tak mała buntowniczka przeniosła się z miasta, by żyć na wsi.
I to na takiej wiejskiej wsi. Wiecie o co mi chodzi. Kury, jajka i biedronka. Nie żebym miała coś przeciwko. Chyba mi było to wtedy obojętnie. W sumie na czym może zależeć dziewczynce z 5tej klasy podstawówki? (Pamiętajcie, że mowa tutaj o osobie, która urodziła się w latach 90tych. Co ja tam wiedziałam o iPhone'ach, fluidach, a co dopiero mówić o całowaniu chłopaków. 

No jednym słowem nic. Ale hej ! Fajnie się żyło.)


Wracamy do tematu, bo ja tak lubię skakać z kwiatka na kwiatek. Ale trzymajmy się jednego. Także jestem sobie na wsi. Kilka dni po moich urodzinach. 11tych ! Wchodziłam w dorosłość w niezłym stylu, co? Czerwone włosy, czarne ciuchy, telefon SIEMENS z pierwszej półki. Dało się grać w wężyka! W WĘŻYKA! Wow. Szalona. 
Pomijam już tę historię szkoły podstawowej. Jak nie jestem człowiekiem ludzi teraz, tak możecie sobie wyobrazić, że nigdy nim nie byłam. Miałam tam ze 2-3 koleżanki, czy kolegów, ale na przerwach z reguły siedziałam sama w koncie lub na podwórku czekając, aż to wszystko dobiegnie
końca. Jakoś mnie nie ciągnęło do kontaktów z ludźmi. Cóż zrobić.

Podstawówka jakoś dobiegła końca. Ja przeżyłam bez super telefonu, codziennego makijażu, czy chłopaka. I było mi dobrze. Przyszedł czas na gimnazjum. Językowe! Czujesz to?! Haha. Też jakoś za bardzo z ludźmi nie trzymałam, ale miałam więcej znajomych, niż w podstawówce. Jakieś tam wycieczki, nauka, imprezy. Coś tam było. Nie ma czego za bardzo wspominać. Wiadomo, takie tam życie gimnazjalistki. Były wzloty i upadki. Większe i mniejsze przyjaźnie. Wagarowanie i generalne buntowanie się. Nadal epoka czarna. W wieku 13 lat nałożyłam po raz pierwszy (i ostatni) w moim życiu takie coś, co się nazywa "fluid". Raz w życiu mnie do tego pociągnęło i już nigdy więcej. Do tej pory nie rozumiem, na co kobiety to nakładają na twarz. Ni to ładne, ni to wygodne. Ale to tylko moje zdanie. Ty się w tym lepiej czujesz, nakładaj. Tak mnie to obchodzi, jak zeszłoroczny śnieg w Rosji.

Hej! Dałam radę i przepuścili mnie do liceum. I się będę przechwalać i powiem, że byłam wzorową uczennicą. Nie, nie poszłam na bal maturalny. Ani nie miałam ochoty, ani partnera haha. Co nie zmienia faktu, że w miarę dobrze wspominam lata gimnazjalne. Z tego co przechodziłam.

Wakacje wakacjami i czas do liceum. Oczywiście najpierw padło na Warszawkę, ale po pół roku mi się znudziło i zmęczyłam się dojazdami, więc poszłam do miasteczka niedaleko miejsca zamieszkania. Co ja będę marnować czas i siły w pociągach i tramwajach. I jeszcze żebym musiała wcześniej wstawać? No chyba nie. Także po pół roku męczarni przeniosłam się do takiego jednego liceum, do którego też się za bardzo nie nachodziłam. 

Ale hej! W tym momencie moje życie się zaczyna trochę zmieniać. Nie, nadal należę do tych dziewczyn, które przez większą część swojej młodości przeszły jako singielki. I czy narzekam? Ha, jeszcze czego. Zawsze lubiłam poświęcać swój czas wolny na to, co mnie interesowało i nie lubiłam, gdy coś mnie rozpraszało. Miałam swoje zajęcia artystyczne, językowe, fotograficzne. Robiłam to, co kochałam.
I również w tym okresie rozpoczął się mój okres fascynacji fitnessem i generalnym "zdrowym" życiem
(przynajmniej takie, jakie wówczas było promowane). Potrafiłam spędzić trenując 4 godziny dziennie, obliczałam BMI nie BMI, zapotrzebowania itp. Nie obyło się bez większych upadków. Jak już wpadłam w okres odchudzania, to wyjść z tego nie mogłam. Wpadłam w różnego rodzaju choroby (w większości psychiczne) i jako że nikt z mojego otoczenia o tym nie wiedział, ciężko mi było się z tego wydostać. Waga spadała gwałtownie. W pewnym momencie ważyłam 43kg przy 160cm wzrostu. Jak za dużo zjadłam, szłam do toalety, by pozbyć się "zbędnego" jedzenia. Trzymałam kaloryczność całodziennych posiłków do MAXIMUM 600 kcal ! 600 pieprzonych kalorii w wieku 16 lat przy aktywnym trybie życia, treningach, nauce. Plus oczywiście dochodziło też oddychanie.


Jak dzisiaj myślę o tym, w jaki sposób mogło się to dla mnie skończyć, to ręce załamuję. Ale nigdy nie byłam dla siebie wystarczająca. Wystarczająco mądra, wystarczająca ładna, wystarczająco szczupła. Zawsze mi czegoś brakowało, a moja własna krytyka wobec mojej osoby przekraczała wszelkie granice. Teraz, mając lat 23, widzę błędy, jakie popełniałam. Widzę, jak głupia byłam. Co czasem wcale nie pomaga mi w zmianie podejścia do własnej osoby. Coś zawsze będzie nie tak. Coś zawsze będzie do poprawy. I to siedzi w mojej głowie i mam wrażenie, że już zawsze będzie.


Kurczę, trochę ciemno się zrobiło, co ? Jeżeli mnie znasz, zawsze widzisz mnie uśmiechniętą, silną i niezależną.
I taka jestem i staram się być, bo życie mnie tego nauczyło i staram się jak najmocniej być jak najlepszą wersją samej siebie. I taką mnie zobaczysz i zapamiętasz. I to się liczy. Zawsze uśmiechnięta i zawsze pozytywna. Najlepsze miejsce przeszłości jest właśnie tam. I nie ma sensu wygrzebywać niektórych rzeczy, bo tylko człowiek się zadręczy niepotrzebnie. 
Ruszamy dalej, co? Był sobie ten bal maturalny, który sobie ładnie olałam i przyszedł czas na tzw. najdłuższe wakacje ucznia. Czyli te przed studiami. Dostałam się na studia i wszystko było pięknie. Na początku studiów wyprowadziłam się od rodziców i zamieszkałam w Warszawie. Studiowałam, pracowałam, rozwijałam się. Nawet prowadziłam dość bogate, jak na siebie, życie społeczne. Tu impreza, tu domówka, sylwester. Takie pierdoły. Czasem trochę zbyt duże pierdoły i głupoty. A mówi się, że człowiek z wiekiem mądrzeje. No chyba nie w moim przypadku. Hah.

I wiecie ile wytrzymałam na studiach? Pół roku? Tak, myślę że coś koło tego. 
Moje studia nie były niczym szczególnym. Nie ma się czym chwalić. Taki tam TiR na AWFie. 

Jako że od wczesnych lat kochałam fitness, języki i podróże. To takie trzy rzeczy, na których naprawdę mi w życiu zależy i zawsze  myślałam, że studiując Turystykę i Rekreację będę w stanie spełniać swoje marzenia, zdobywać szczyty.
I pewnie by tak było, gdyby mnie tak coś w tyłek nie gryzło, bo przez to, lub dzięki temu, trochę się moje plany pozmieniały. Rzuciłam studia i postanowiłam...wyjechać na Cypr. Tak bez większego zastanowienia. Nadarzyła się okazja, to ją chwyciłam bez wahania i już mnie nie było.
Tak, w wieku lat 18tu rzuciłam wszystko, całe to moje Polskie życie, i zaczęłam swoją przygodę z podróżami. I od Cypru wszystko się zaczyna. I na Cyprze ma początek moje prawdziwe życie, o którym warto opowiadać. I właśnie tutaj zacznie się prawdziwa historia warta podzielenia się ze światem.





Czy było łatwo?
Z porzuceniem mojego życia w Polsce nie miałam problemu. Nigdy nie byłam w żadnym związku, nie miałam większych planów związanych z tym krajem, a moja rodzina zawsze budowała w mojej głowie obraz, że tam gdzieś jest coś więcej. Że człowiek, który nie pyta, nie podróżuje, nie poznaje, nigdy nie będzie człowiekiem w pełni. Że warto jest odkrywać i drążyć dziury w skałach. I mieli rację i nigdy, ale to nigdy nie żałowałam i żałować nie będę decyzji podjętej na początku 2014 roku, by spakować to, co najważniejsze i kupić ten bilet w jedną stronę. Bilet, który jak się potem okazało, miał na zawsze zmienić moje życie.

c.d.n.