Capture The Moment

"After work mixed feeling again. 

From full happiness my mood automatically jumped to full sadness. 

I don't know what is happening to me.

What is happening in my head.

As always.

I don't know what I want.

I wanted to cut myself off from all the people, relationships and all that bullshit,

but sometimes I would like someone to just hug me and put all my broken pieces together.

Sometimes it's hard for me. But I am handling it all. 

I have always been independent, I have always doing things my way.

And I have been doing them well.

I know I am strong, but sometimes even the strongest person would use a back massage."

"Another dose of a positive energy. I can say this day was good. […]

Sometimes I miss something. I feel some kind of emptiness and I want to cry. 

For that reason or with no reason at all.

But when there is no time to think, this feeling goes away.

I wish I could shut my mind from time to time, but I can't."

"I was woken up by the nightmare. 2am.

Same story again.

The rape. It is waking me up too often

[…] I wasn't able to fall asleep again. 

I felt fear.

I think I am afraid of people.

They scare me"

"They say it gets easier when you write. 

And I am thinking a lot. Much too much. 

About my life, my appearance, people…

I don't like people. That's my little problem. 

They drive me crazy. And I am trying to change it.

I am a mess right now.

I feel nothing.

No happiness, no sadness, no anger.

I am empty inside.

I think I am falling apart.

I need someone to put my pieces together."

It's almost 4am and I can't shut my brain off. My eyes are not a problem here. I have been closing them milion times already, but nothing helps. My brain just doesn't want to sleep. In this case I decided to write a post, go back to my life on Cyprus. Already I am truly apologizing for all the mistakes I will make and I am sure there will be more than few.

So here I am. 18 years old (nearly 19) girl, who just quit from her university to start a completely new life, new adventures, new everything. How exciting, isn't it? 

What I remember from my first few days it's complete disorientation. I haven't had a clue what was going on. 

I think I had like 2 weeks of holidays before I started working, because they had to deal with all the papers and it's been taking like for eveer. I am not joking. But I had some time to get some color, get around the island, or at least the closest area and, well, some tan. Trust me, as a Polish person I've been pale like a snow. And you don't need that kind of negativity when moving to Cyprus.

Ow there is also one more thing I remember. I got to Paphos, the town that in a short time would become my home for next 9 months, and I have been looking for my apartment called Anthousa (I had a small paper with and adres, nothings else). After hours of walking (as it seemed for me back then) in 40 degrees heat, I stood next to some apartments completely exhausted almost giving up on finding mine and preparing myself to sleep on the street surrounded by milion cats and decided to....listen listen….ask for help. Daaamn ! Yes, me, Natalia the woman who never asks, made her mind and went to few woman standing in front of the gate and asked "I am sorry but is it possible that you might know how could I get to Anthousa?". They looked at me in kind of weird way let's say, turned around and showed me the building just behind them saying "emmmm...that's here". OK guys! Not my fault that all the buildings looked the same and probably I have passed that one 20 times, but. I found it. That's the point. Ok ? And that's how my first day looked like. Exhausting. But wait wait wait. I am not done here. I got to my amazing room with huge terrace, 2 beds, kitchen, bathroom and all beautifully prepared and...I took a shower, changed and went for even longer walk to discover what was around me. And trust me, it was amazing, beautiful, breath-taking. I was starting to fall in love with the island and I kept falling in love with it every single day.

I started my work as an entertainer, my first boss was a total bitch who didn't like to work nor cared about people, but my team was pretty awesome and we were sticking together with almost everything (not if it's about kids club and staying there with kids, because trust me, I didn't want to be seen over there. Nah. One kid and Natalia was gone. No excuses. I've got nothing to say in my defence. I just wasn't happy there). But all the rest? We were THE team. We were great. Lucky for as that at the end of the season we got sent a new boss, who was like an Angel comparing to the first one. Thank you for that.

And I have to tell you all them 9 months on the island were amazing. (it's like being pregnant with Cyprus haha). All the people I have met, all the parties I attended, all the mistakes I made and all the decisions I took were worth everything. Yes, all the mistakes. And I know I made loads of them on my first season of entertainment. Come on ! I was 18/19 years old girl starting her life all over again! I have been allowed to make mistakes and stupid things! Hey! Bad decisions make good stories! And trust me if I say so. I know more than you think about it.

Stealing a stool from the bar street? Coming back home at 8am and starting job at 9am? Finding a drunk English guy on my balcony and the next day a cat in my bed? Adopting a sick Reggae dog for couple of days and seeing him and the most ugly beautiful thing? Experiencing new things for the first time and being there for your best of the best friends when she did too? Meeting my sister from another mister and adopting her? Swimming in the see at 4 in the morning and coming back on the bikes with your bras hanging from and drying on the air when greeting a stranger who decided to go for a jogging at that time? Screaming at your Romanian neighbour, because she was just so stupid? Stealing WiFi from other neighbours, because why not? Hiding in the office, because you just couldn't handle some guests in the hotel and you were just over everything? Getting this first tattoo done and then doing aquagym in the 45 degrees heat? Doing table tennis activity completely hangover and then almost passing out on aquagym, because you just drunk too much the night before? Ow and celebrating your fake birthday with 23 shots of tequila? 

And yes, I do regret few things I've done on the island and I should be sorry for doing the others...but I am so not! I wouldn't change it for anything, because those are the things you could, but shouldn't tell your grandchildren. But they will stay with me forever and they made me who I am now and no, if I could go back and change something I wouldn't. Why should I? Something made me do what I have done back then and that's alright. I am happy. I was happy back then, on the magical island, in the magical town called Paphos. And I would love to go back there one day and see how it would look for me right now. After years of experience, after getting older, after living a bit more.

And that is what I want you to learn from that story.

Hello there! So I decided it’s the right time to continue with my story.
going back to my time on Cyprus, when it has all begun

I was an innocent girl. Just graduated from high school,
all excited about going to uni! Yaay.
Never have had a boyfriend in my life,
got drunk once when 16 with my mom
and her mom on the balcony in Bulgaria.
Never took drugs, never run away from home.
Skipping school on every occasion possible,
but every time telling my parents about it or asking plans with my mom.
Why would I go to school if I could go for some shopping and coffee?
Couldn’t be bothered. I wasn’t stupid tho. I was doing quite well in school.
I wasn’t making any problems, except being an antisocial smartass.
But what’s wrong with that?

I remember it like it was yesterday.
I went to some kind of a party organized by my school
and I went to hide from all the people to the "sitting room" underground.I was drinking and I started chatting with one of my colleagues.
I remember the moment he asked me something about the university community
and joining some kind of circles and me saying
"I would like that if I wasn't going to Cyprus in 3 days".
He's eyes got big like a plate of your grandma when she's trying to feed you.
And that was it.

I booked my flight, packed the suitcase of 23kg and just left.
Left my Polish life, my "friends", family

and all this things I have been working on for a quite long time.
But I wasn't attached to anything, to anyone.
It was one of the easiest decisions I've ever made in my life.
Can you imagine?
Leaving everything and starting all over being so easy?
It can be when you've got nothing to lose, when you've got nothing to regret.
What could have gone wrong? Only everything haha.
But I was 18 and I couldn't give a smaller shit.

Especially that I lost one of my good friends back then.
No, she hasn't died nor moved out.
She turned her back on me.
Yes, I am talking about you.
When I told her I was going to Cyprus, when I told her about my plans
looking for some kind of support from her side, for "you'll do great Nat".
You know what I received?
She gave me one of this looks 

"I am better than you" and said "well...guess who will have a better education over here..."
And that was it. After that she stopped talking to me, like she's never known me.
Till today's day we talk. Or more like we remember about each other on our birthday.
Year by year one message. On her birthday from me and on my day from her. And that's what's left from our "friendship".
We had our moments tho, haven't we?

And you know what? Here is when my life truly begun.
When I became my true self.
And if I could go back in time I wouldn't change a single...well,
I wouldn't change that much.
It made me who I am now and I am kind of amazing person right now.
And I've earned so much more than just money.
And that's something you don't measure with the size of your wallet.
It is something you don't dream of but when it happens it becomes something
that should always be your birthday wish

People are forgetting that to get something, which is valuable for them, sometimes they have to be prepare for some bigger sacrifices . Are they afraid to try?

Are you afraid to try?

I want you to understand one thing. I want you to understand that living your life is not an egoism That trying won't make you a loser. Can you do it?

You should know that egoism appears when you crave for other person to live according to your preferences, live for your vanity, for your gain, profit; to pleasure you. When you force someone to do things for you, which won't make them happy or won't have any positive resonance on their life.

Living your life is not an egoism.

The same as a red rose is not selfish because it wants to be a red rose, you won't be called selfish for living your life and being who you truly want to be.

Sit down for a moment, breath in and think.

Think and tell me how would you rather live? With a regret that you gave up on something, you didn't take a chance on in a moment that you could have succeeded or with a thought that you failed, but at least you have tried your best to reach the point?

If you wont't keep going, you’ll never know how far you could have gone and you’ll miss out on being the person you’d become through the effort itself.

! IF YOU WANT SOMETHING YOU BETTER MAKE SOME NOISE !